Yup. Gonna put a cut in too if it’ll let me.

God I don’t even know where to begin with this. I guess I’ll begin with the process of the last hour. My man was supposed to have an interview today that we knew he wouldn’t get the job for, but that interview was supposed to pave the way to him getting a job he really wanted to get, which I think might have made him happy.

This was about more than just financial security, though we’ll touch on that in a bit. This was about him making moves on his own to make his own wish for happiness come true. I greatly support him in this - after all, he supports my dreams for happiness by refusing to let me get a ‘real’ job and allowing me to work freelance in comics while we eat breadcrumbs and his parents slowly go insane from the lack of us paying rent. But then I found out that he blew it - the job required an extensive packet of information to be filled out, which he had not done.

He curled up into bed because he’s not feeling well. I sat at my desk and tried not to cry. Eventually I couldn’t really manage not to, so in true Stephanie style I allowed myself a few seconds of eyes-watering-like-tears-might-come before I got up out of the room. At first I did that because, well, I didn’t want to wake him up with my crying. He isn’t feeling well. He doesn’t need to see my crying over something that he’s probably just as depressed about. I made my way into the kitchen and picked things up - doing small productive things will sometimes get me out of these moods. I visited my hamster. My hamster doesn’t know anything about quality of life, he has his litter changed, a fresh supply of food, water, and treats.

Eventually I gave up on allowing myself to cry, since his parents were both home. My thoughts ran swiftly to all the things I could do to relieve my growing level of despair over the current state of my life. This is a conversation I have in my head at least 2 to three times a week. I could pick up cutting again but there are no knives sharp enough and anyway everyone would see the marks and they’d just get upset over it. I could do other things to cause self harm but then I might end up in the hospital. We have no insurance so the bills would just make a never ending cycle of more suck later, since we cant even pay off the debts we already have. My thoughts fleetingly touch back to the place they go when things are darkest in my head - I could end it all. I increasingly wake up each morning with the realisation that being married to your soul mate doesn’t make anything better, that life is still work and that you will still, in your darkest, wake up realising it isn’t worth living at all. My brain comes back from that edge quickly - I deny myself the thought of ending my life, not because I don’t find the thought tantalizing, but because I have no life insurance, and my funeral costs would bring this family more hardship. There is nothing else I can do, especially not tonight, to ‘fix’ this problem. Jobs are lacking, I am too sick to hold down a full time job, and he isn’t the only person who should have to work to make our life better. He is miserable and depressed, too, and there is nothing I can do to help him. At least he sleeps at night.

I eventually land on putting liquer in my hot cocoa. I bought the liquer as a small luxury item after my last big paycheck, and I nurse it slowly since it makes my medical conditions worse. But tonight, a bit of small warm fuzzy escape might help things. Except it really isn’t.

I live in the house of my in-laws, and my husband’s grandmother. When he lost his job 3 or so years ago we had to give up the nice apartment and gorgeous cats we had to move back in here. At the time, no money was asked for us in return, and we barely had any. Even to this day, despite him finding a job for a while during this, we barely had enough money to pay off our debts - and I never could afford making payments on my student loans at all. Any nice items we have, were purchased with tax returns (after paying off some credit cards) or on finance that is just putting us further into debt. There was no other way to buy the upgrades I needed for computer to keep running so I could keep working freelance in comics. Most of our purchases are not, in fact, trivial. We cancelled our game subscriptions on multiple occasions and have tried to live as smart as we can without feeling like we never have anything.

But we never have anything anyway, and I live in a constant state of guilt. His parents are going through financial woes that I know they would not if we didn’t live here. I constantly break down and say I should get a better job, but I was fired from the last one for consistantly being ill, and no one will hire me even if I could hold one down.

Two years ago my doctor tied my heart issues to blood sugar issues and told me that if I didn’t do something to change my life I would be diabetic inside of a year. That was two years ago and two years of not even being able to afford my diabetes medication. I have a lung condition that, combined with the diabetes means I am consistantly ill with sinusitis or mucus packed into my lungs or bronchitis. The diabetes makes treating this hard because you have to balance the blood sugar levels against antibiotics that don’t work with diabetes to begin with. None of that matters, since we havn’t had insurance in months. Even when we did, we couldn’t afford the copays when I was at my most ill.

I have had buzzing in my lungs and an inability to walk around for over 3 months now, an ear infection since August that hasn’t gone away, a Urinary Tract Infection since September that also won’t go away. Some other women’s issues that can’t be treated because you’d have to start by treating the diabetes first, and no one wants to do that, and without insurance we can’t even afford it. There are times where my heart loses its ability to regulate the rate it beats at and will fly off the handle for an hour, leaving me dizzy and exhausted. The pain in my ear and during other parts of my life makes me want to cry, or scream, but I’m too tired and used to it by now to do anything but soldier on. We wanted children but I’m 33 this year and I just don’t see it ever, ever happening now, and I am crushed by that in a way I was not even expecting.

This job he might have gotten might have gotten us great insurance and fixed our financial stability issues. It might have made it so that I could be in the same room with his parents without feeling like they’re judging me. It might have made him less miserable, which would have made me less miserable. I can’t even be mad at him, because it’s my fault too, and I should be doing more, but I can’t do more, but I should be doing more, and … this is the circle my mind runs in my head.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like there is no future. I feel like there is no point in even having children in a world like this. I feel like I don’t even have a right to complain since his parents do keep a roof over our heads and I KNOW that life is so much worse for other people out there.

If you even read through all this, please just pray to whatever Gods you worship that life starts looking better for us all. =/